DIARY OF A MIDDLE-AGED BRIDE: THE UGLY
“It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane.”
Dear Diary,
I woke up in a strange house yet it was home. My new home. The sad thing was...I wanted my old home, I dreamt vividly of my old home, I wanted so badly to turn back the clock of time.
It wasn't' supposed to feel this way. Where was the romance? The skipping away into the sunset hands tightly held together? The picnics in the breathtaking meadows of life filled with a zillion daisies and clear blue skies? Where was the damn honeymoon? I deserved that at the very least...a few idyllic days of nothingness, lovemaking and amazing food? The happily ever after dreamy fairy-tale was nowhere to be found.
It was days after my traditional ruracio (dowry) ceremony. It had been a tough month with all the planning involved. For starters, it had come as a surprise to me. I knew that we were heading in that direction but my husband had always talked about 2022 which sounded too far and I instead was always thinking about 2020 mostly because we both tend to avoid odd numbers, him especially. So I never expected him to have 2019 in mind even though I had it plastered on my vision board for the year! Yes...those things work!!Talk about the power of manifestation.
One afternoon, he took me out for a drink and some nyama along with my brother. As we were randomly chatting, he told me that he wanted to gift me the best birthday present ever. So he asked that I look at the closest Saturday to my birthday. Being that my birthday is on 27th August, the closest Saturday was going to be either 24th or 31st. I picked 31st as it's a day after my mum's birthday and I have always kinda favoured it. He then asked me to call my parents and inform them that his people would be coming on that day. I was taken a back and surprised..........in a good way and I initially thought he was joking. So I just kept repeating "Are you serious...are you serious?". He was. So I made the call and that was it.
I must admit that I was taken over the by excitement and planning. There was lots to do and I had a very vivid picture of how I wanted the day to look like. So I went about the business of getting everything together including part of the decor that I did myself (see pictures below). In the midst of the busyness, I never gave much of a thought about how my life...our life was about to change. Neither did I spend time appreciating or saying goodbye to my former life. Looking back, I should have spent sometime in reflection.
So the big day came and everything went on perfectly. It was a beautiful day with amazing moments, great food and wonderful music (my in-laws brought their own music...lol). Only three things did not go as planned. Someone in Kiambu County choose this day to fix the roads in our area, closing off some parts of the main road in which created a bit of confusion as my husband only knew one route. Anyone who used the usual route took over 1 hour instead of the usual 10 minutes from the main road. It was a mess but eventually everyone arrived well. The second thing that did not go as planned is involved my in-laws who came with 60 litres of Muratina (kikuyu traditional brew). They were ready for a party!! Unfortunately, just as they were parking their vehicles, one of the 20 litre containers exploded inside the beautiful V8 Toyota Prado. You can imagine the mess!! I am pretty sure that car still carries with it the scent of the fermented alcohol to date. I remember saying to them that it must have been my grandfather demanding for his portion of the alcohol a tad too early before they were even let into the compound. Either that or was some sort of gate tax administered by the ancestors!
The third thing which turned out to be completely awesome was that the initial plan or understanding was that they would not start the actual dowry process but would go through with the part of the ceremony that consisted of them getting to know my clan and my husband expressing interest in me by planting a twig to book me. (Kumenya mucie na kuhanda ithigi). To our surprise, they went a step further and began the actual negotiation of dowry. They were asked to go outside and come back into the negotiation room as if they were coming for a 2nd visit. So whereas we had thought we would need to plan for another day for that, it was all completed within one day which was awesome! At the end of the day I was officially handed over to my in-laws including being asked to sit on their side of the tent, I was also asked to "pack" my clothes and go with them as I had now been married off. My father was asked to even make sure that I did not spend another night in homestead. It was a done deal! I wished I had been a fly on the wall to witness exactly what was discussed.
A new season of my life checked in just like that! All along, we had began planning the move to my husband's house. I knew it in my mind but I think I had not considered all the logistics and changes involved. We had so many expenses to think off and so many preparations to make. We were both exhausted, yet we could not rest until my son and I had moved to our new home. Over the next few days, we then went about planning the move, painting 3 houses (my old house, my husband old house and our new home). It was crazy! And all of it had to be done. My husband had found a tenant for his old house and needed to move his stuff whereas on my end, I needed to wind up with my former landlady (a most amazing lady who was just wonderful) and leave the house ready for the next tenant who turned out to be my younger sister! There was also a tenant who had to vacate our new home who was just being stubborn for no reason despite having been given enough notice by my husband.
In the end, it all worked out and a few days later, we moved into our new home and started the process of blending our lives together. Whilst I was excited about the marriage, I was not happy about the move. It took me a very long time to adjust. For starters, I had not anticipated the impact it would have on my son. As much as I had prepared him the best way I could, it was difficult for him on many fronts. Getting used to have a new authority figure in his life and the disruption caused by the move was too much for a child who abhorred change. We had lived in our former little, cosy house for 7 years. My older sister had also lived in the same house for 7 years as well. For my son, this was the home that he remembered and associated with. Earlier on, we had lived with my parents for 2.5 years and 1 year at a different house. This was home by all means and here I was uprooting us from "home".
Another aspect that we had all to adjust to (by all... I mean my son, my helper who had been with us since my son was 3 months and myself) was letting go of the conveniences we had enjoyed previously courtesy of the perfect location of our home. We had lived fairly close to town and so navigation towards any direction was always easy. We were always a stone throw away from everything we needed. It was easy to access, easy to have deliveries made, easy everything. We had now moved 45 minutes away from town and in an area with a very different set up. We were used to a green, well maintained gated area with common security, water 100% of the time, groundsmen, common garbage disposal etc. It was a very neat and organized system and trees everywhere (I love trees) and a field where kids could play. We were now living in our own individual compound. I was also used to the luxury of having someone open and close the gate for me but now had to do it or have my husband do it for me. How we take the little things for granted!
I also had not anticipated how long it would take me to get to work from our new home. I was used to a 15 minute commute either way at most. Most days it was shorter. I could get up, prepare myself and be in the office all within 30 minutes. It now took me 2-3 hours one way to get to work through the worst traffic I have ever experienced. I had to wake up at 5.00am to be in the office at 8.00am. On a bad day, I would get there at 9.00am. I hated it! On the other hand, I had to stay late in the office to avoid the traffic back home. This basically meant I hardly spent any time at home which is not the best way to start a marriage..is it?
Another factor that we had no idea how to deal with was school for my son. He had gone through a very rough term and had repeated that he did not want to go back. But I had to ensure he kept up with his learning. So this meant finding a teacher to tutor him at home. Whilst we found an amazing lady to tutor him, he wasn't taking to it very well and would sometimes just refuse to get up for his classes. We went through a very difficult period of time. I could see he was hurting and I didn't know what to do about it.
I was hit hard by the realization of how attached I was to my former house. My nights were filled with dreams of the house. I also could not bear to pass outside the gated flats even though it was my way home everyday. Tears would well up in my eyes as I drove past. I couldn't even imagine anyone living in "my house". It was heartbreaking. I wanted to just move back! Mind you, this had nothing to do with not wanting to be with my husband or not wanting to be married. It was simply a geographical issue but one that had a negative impact on our marriage.
To make matters worse, I was going through a big transition at work with major changes to be implemented and mounting pressure. I was also in the thick of planning an event for my high school alma mater's association which I chaired. It was the first time we were attempting to pull off something this big and grand. The fear of failure and the pressure to have a successful day was nigh. My Saturday's were occupied with numerous planning meetings for the event and by the time Sunday rolled about, all I wanted to do was sleep and stay indoors. Then the treacherous schedule would begin all over again.
You will agree with me that this was the farthest thing from a honeymoon period at all. In fact, even our attempt at getting away for a few days after the traditional ceremony was shelved as we had to focus on moving. Neither one of us had the energy or time to relax (doesn't that sound so contradictory!) yet it was what we needed the most. It all felt terrible and I could see it in my husband's eyes. He wasn't happy that I wasn't happy. I can't imagine what it felt like for him to watch me leave and return home all tired, sad and disillusioned. This was not how early days of marriage should unfold. We were supposed to be holding hands, all lovey-dovey and sheltered in the haze of new love. Instead, a cloud of gloom hovered over our household. Things escalated to another level when my son threatened to stab himself over a small disagreement. We had to wrestle a knife from him and henceforth keep a close eye as I sort additional help and counselling for him. It was clear that he was depressed and coupled with the mild autism challenges he had, it all wasn't easy.
I began to seriously question the timing of the marriage. It all felt so wrong and out of place. When I expressed how I was feeling, my husband interpreted it to mean I regretted the marriage,...which I did not. Like I said, geography was our biggest problem and I didn't know how to solve that. The only relief I had was that with my sister moving into my former house, I could now "visit" the house and feel like I was home again. It wasn't a solution but it helped relieve part of my sadness.
By the way, the dinner went on successfully with only a few hiccups here and there which are forgivable given we were doing it for the first time. Whereas I had run events before, it had been a while and I found that I had almost forgotten some of the good old practices that had made my former colleagues and I excellent at event management. It was a relief to put that milestone behind me even though in a few weeks time, we then had to plan an AGM. It was exhausted by it all but had to soldier on somehow. You know how you have to muster strength that you did not even think you had? That was me during this period.
In my quiet moments, I felt a lot of heaviness and was filled with so much regret. I felt that I was ruining my marriage before it had even started. My heart was in a wretched state!
Sincerely,
The middle-aged bride
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