DIARY OF A MIDDLE-AGED BRIDE - LETTING MY GUARD DOWN





Dear Diary,

For the longest time, I have  been the kind of person who deals with problems or challenges in a particular way. My style can be a bit of a put off to some people but also very effective. I hate allowing situations to get out of control even though I am certainly guilty of that a couple of times for sure. As much as I can, I am not the kind of person who allows a situation to fester and prolong if I can help it. I also learnt from my former boss that there is always a way out of a situation if you address it in the right way. So when faced with a difficult issue, my approach is:_

1. Deal with it immediately before it escalates or mutates into something else
2. Find a solution 
3. Do whatever it takes to get to number 2

One particular example I will never forget was when my boss had applied for a particular executive programme and her application was rejected on no grounds at all. Instead of taking it lying down, she had appealed the decision in a very concise and detailed manner that they had no choice but to admit her into the programme. This win has never left my mind as I was sure that there was no way to circumvent it. It would have probably been easier to throw her arms up and apply to a different University but she was crystal clear that this was the programme she wanted to take. That was the bottom line. To date, whenever I am meet with a challenge, I always go back to that example for inspiration. When I applied for a loan and it was rejected on flimsy grounds, I found the email address of the bank's head of Personal Banking and appealed the decision. I did not know this person and the branch manager was surprised as I suppose they are used to clients just accepting the rejections without much a do. The loan was granted Having been a customer for close to 18 years, I did not see why they should turn me away at my time of need.When Kenya Power were giving me grief over a very inflated bill, I sort justice from way above the ranks by simply writing an email. My issue was resolved in a day yet I knew no one there personally. Here is the challenge though. You can't solve relationship problems in that manner. 

Ever since the situation with Shane, I became very ready to always be on the offensive should anyone try to put me in a position where I was disadvantaged. I was ready to take a stand and take to the hills too should such a situation present itself. And a few times, that is exactly what I did. I stopped allowing myself to be vulnerable and I literally formed a Vickie Defense Forces (VDF) ready to take charge should I even suspect that anyone was about to pull a number on me. If a solution could not be found to the problem, then I was always ready to move on without a second thought. But that was before. Before I had found someone I actually wanted to stay with for the rest of my life. So the question became..what happens at the first site of a problem? I knew it was coming....because no relationship is perfect even though we were largely in a very good space....and hardly had any arguments or points of deference. 

I had to make a decision as how I was going to deal with any arising conflicting in the relationship. The solution would certainly not come from my usual way of dealing such situations. The only person I could go to for an appeal would God. But I had to learn to not circumvent and allow the situation to be resolved amicably. I also had to learn that I was not going to get my own way each time there was any conflict. I also had to make a decision that was no running to the hill. I was here to stay. I wanted to stay. I had found my person and I was not going to let him go. Nor was I going to run.

My biggest lesson so far has been accepting that there are other ways of resolving conflict aside from my straight forward, in-your-face way of dealing with conflict. I still struggle with this to date. For example, if there is an issue to be addressed, I prefer to deal with it instantly as soon as it has happened. My husband on the other hand, prefers to have a few days to mull over things before attempting to address the issue. I have had to accept and fully embrace his methodology much as it is difficult to me. These days, if I do something wrong or an issue crops up, I know that there will be a bit of some lag time before he brings it up. That gives me time to think about the situation and the best way to remedy it. It also gives us both time to calm down and not speak in anger. However, there are other situations where my approach works better. Where leaving things to simmer for a few days only gives opportunity for things to get worse. So the key is knowing when to apply which approach to the situation. Most importantly, I had to learn that I could let my guard down...that I would be ok around him...that he wasn't out to get me or pull the rug from underneath my feet. 



Over the next 1 year before we got married, we had the opportunity to learn more of each other as we spent a lot of time together. I was forced to retire the VDF as their service was no longer required. I settled in knowing that this was going to be long term and there was no need to have my defenses all up. Whenever differences or conflict arose, we took in stride and handled it well and amicably. One of the best qualities I love about my husband is his ability to apologize when he is wrong. He never hesitates and this aspect made me even more comfortable in the relationship. He wasn't in this to try to lord it over me. Rather, he was genuinely willing and available to me to ensure we established an amazing relationship and marriage. He has stayed true to that consistently. 

My guard is down and it is OK.

Sincerely, 

The middle-aged bride 

==========================================================
Just catching up with the Series now? See previous posts below.



















Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

PROJECT FOXY: Awakening the Giant

Image
The giant is me and no other.  For years, I have done one thing successfully….year in and year out. I have added more and more weight to my frame. Compared to my former self…I am indeed a giant. I know precisely when it started. I know precisely why it started. It is not a complex reason or one that is even justifiable.  I met and started dating this guy in 2001. His name was John and when I fell in love with him…I fell HARD. We met at an IT Conference. He was one of the panelist and I remember spending most of the time staring at him. When the conference was over, I walked up to him and asked him a question that could have been answered by any other panelist. In fact, he even referred me to someone else. It didn’t matter though…I walked out with a smile having told him where I worked and exchanged email addresses. Those were the good old days of Yahoo Chat. The following day, I got an invitation to add him as a friend. As they say, the rest is history. I learnt later...
Read more

Wacu

She stared out of the window, with tears running down her face. Oblivious to the stares from other passengers in the No. 46 City Hoppa from Kawangware, she was lost in her own thoughts….in her own pain.  Her rural home in Nyeri seemed so far away. She felt misplaced in this big city of Nairobi. This thought immediately reminded her of her parents. If only they were alive. The HIV virus took both of them years ago. Wacu barely remembered her mother. She had a vague memory of her and her maternal grandmother had brought her up since she had been only 5 years old when her mother died. Wacu’s other siblings had remained with her paternal grandparents. Luckily, they had lived only half an hour apart from each other and had gotten to see each other often. Nderitu now lived and worked in Mombasa. Whilst Mumbi was now married and a stay at home mum. She and her family of 4 lived in Nyeri.   Of her father, there was nothing. It is as if he had never existed. This was underst...
Read more

A LEGEND BREWING

When I first met this little boy, I introduced myself as the woman he would never be able to get rid off for the rest of his life and then I said hello. He opened his eyes really wide and pursed his lips together. I burst out in laughter for I often did this! It was my signature move. “Now that’s my son!”I happily thought. Levi is now 4. I must say it's been a crazy journey. He is hyper, curious, extremely “destructive” but also one of the most intelligent kids I have ever met. Here are some of his adventures. At 2 years, he attempted to milk a cow by himself. Yes, he got the cow into the milking shed! Conquered “child proof” caps severally and consequently landed in hospital. NO, am not a careless mother, he is just a very special, intuitive childJ Frequently “Undresses” remotes by eating all the buttons Has taken 9 BP tablets AND lived to tell the story (or rather lived to allow me to tell the story) Accidentally drank paraffin consequently r...
Read more

POWERFUL WAYS TO USE YOUR NO!

Image
POWERFUL WAYS TO USE YOUR NO! NO! Granted...No is not the easiest word to say for some people because it has always been associated with a lot of negativity. But we know deep down that isn't the truth. NO is one of the most powerful words in our vocabulary! Here are some powerful ways to use your NO. - Say NO to timewasters. These are things that you do but really do not add much value in your life. It could be too much time on Social media or watching Netflix, going out clubbing excessively or too much gossiping with your girls (a little never hurt anyone ). It could also be spending less time with people who add NO value or worth to our lives. Instead, you can look at replacing such activities with learning something new. E.g. crocheting, a new recipe, a new sport or simply spending more time where it is valued and will have a higher return like with your children. - Say NO to negative energy, thoughts and vibes. Evaluate the people and situations in your life and just share no t...
Read more

Down River Road - Part I

Approximately 30 minutes after he had been released from the Industrial Area remand prison, Nixon is seated at the bus stop. Aimlessly watching both the human and motor traffic pass by. "It is a busy stage this one", he thought. He kept glancing at his watch as he restlessly waited for his dad's matatu on this route to come by. It is his only choice of transport since he does not have a coin on him. Nixon's dad is a local tycon, owning a fleet of matatu's on several routes, several real estate properties and a plush home in Muthaiga. Looking at Nixon, one would never tell. He is rough looking, with a cleanly shaved head, free of charge as provided by the Prison Warders at Industrial Area. He has on a grey t-shirt with streaks of dirt on it. His black trousers are worn and dirty too. On his feet, are a pair of bata slippers that have definitely seen better days. His hands were "stained"...the kind of hands that look dirty all the time...
Read more