DIARY OF A MIDDLE-AGED BRIDE: IN PURSUIT OF SELF LOVE

"If you are looking for that one person that will change your life, look into the Mirror"

- Unknown

Dear Diary,

It was over. I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and it was not an oncoming train. The whole experience with Shane made me realise that I was selling myself short. More so, it exposed my weaknesses to me in full glare. I previously knew that there were some areas I needed to work on but I did not initially have an idea how deep they ran or even how to fix them.

One of the big steps I had to take towards healing was avoiding confrontations with Shane in all forms. I had to learn to interact with him peacefully despite the burning fire I felt inside of me. An anger that would stay inside for only so long before it would bubble to the surface. I had to push it all down for the sake of peace. In the early days, he was present in every way which I appreciated as I did need his help. He took us to all the clinic or hospital visits. In fact, the pediatrician had no idea we were not married. I would always laugh on the inside when he would ask questions like "Is your room very cold..are you sure the baby is warm enough? Where exactly is his cot" or "What did you have for dinner yesterday"? We would glance at each other briefly...before I would answer appropriately. The doctor was a very talkative guy and sometimes, the conversation would veer off to farming and other topics so there was a very good rapport. My biggest fear was that he would ask to visit us! Neither one of us ever bothered to correct him about his assumption. As we sat in the waiting room, I would always feel guilty as if the assumptions people made were my fault but at the same time, I would be relieved that Shane was present as I could not picture being alone during some of those moments. Levi had a number of issues as a young child. At 3 weeks old, he was admitted with Pneumonia which I only discovered by accident. I had visited the doctor as I thought he had colic so being a new mum, I was not sure how to handle it. However, the doctor ended up picking up on the fact that his breathing was too fast (the best way to observe this in a new born is through their stomach) ...we were admitted immediately and Levi was put on oxygen. There was no other sign..no fever, cough or runny nose. The doctor later on told me that if I had continued to stay at home with him, he could likely not have made it. This was the first of a series of admissions over the next four years...I honestly lost count.

Over time, things smoothed over between Shane and I even though one could always tell there was underlying tension between us. One of the habits I had to stop which would fuel conflict is writing long emails (I have always expressed myself better in writing..ask my BFF). Any discussion we would have would escalate into an exchange of words mostly with me reminding him of the pain he caused and the fact that he had "made" me a single mother. The pain was still too raw but I eventually stopped blaming him for this. I was part and parcel of the process of getting pregnant. One large part of the reasons for my email outbursts was the fact that we had never had a face to face discussion about what happened and neither had he ever apologized. I had not had the chance to vent..to let it all out. The emails became my channel..the only one I had. The reason why we were exchanging emails is because by this time, he had left the organization whilst our department had moved to a different building and become a stand alone organization. We no longer saw each other every day.

As Levi approached his 1st year, I made a drastic decision to move back home with my parents. The primary motivating factor was the fact that I felt that I needed some space to heal and I wanted to avoid seeing him too much as I still did care about him. The fact that he would come see Levi every weekend made it harder for me so the best solution at the time was to move where I would no longer have to interact with him. It was a selfish decision which I regret because it curtailed Levi's relationship with his dad and that aspect has never recovered to date over 10 years later (though he had the option of still seeing him over the weekends but never took it up). It did not help when a few years later, he relocated to SA, got married and started a family. Levi was consequently archived! He basically "social distanced" himself from us. To date, I have never understood why my son was included in the distancing. Another big reason for the move is that I deeply craved to be around my family....I wanted to be around people who cared about us. In my quest for healing, I feel sad that our moving ended up caused a rift...it was as if that is what he was waiting for...to be let off the hook. Thankfully, he still takes care of his schooling to date and I appreciate that connection as it will possibly form the bridge for their reunion in the future.

Moving back home was not easy. For starters, space was a big hindrance but I squeezed back into my parents' arms and we were welcomed wholeheartedly. The best thing about the move was that my younger sister had been blessed with a baby girl 3 months before I was (it was a tough but happy year for my parents in terms of grandchildren) so Levi now had company. I also had the extra eyes to watch over him...and boy did we need them! I will write about Levi's escapades another day but child was always up to something...to anything! If he was not trying to milk the cows (picture a 2 year old), he was constantly leaving the compound to God knows where...even using the dog's panya route when the gate was closed. He would do so especially when he was stopped from doing something or when there was any conflict. He still couldn't speak so I guess "bolting" as it is known in Autism became a form of escape. It was during these years at home that he was diagnosed with high-functioning Autism or Asperger's Syndrome. It was not an easy diagnosis to accept but with the support of family, we began to find ways to help Levi cope and grow.

When it came to how I viewed myself....this aspect went down hill. At one point, Shane had the audacity to ask me why I wasn't moving on like he had. I guess the irony of it all was lost to him. He had no scars or a baby to show for the experience. It was all on me. The weight of the experience manifested both emotionally and physically. I added even more weight than I had carried even when I was pregnant. When I looked into the mirror...I saw someone with so much baggage....a person who had shamed her parents and was now burdening them even more with a child who needed extra attention. I saw a woman who had lost her beauty...who had extra weight in all the wrong places...I saw someone who was broken. How was I going to fix myself?

For starters, I went back to School which was much easier as I was never worried about Levi being alone. It was the perfect environment. He kept my mum so busy and even though I had a helper most of the time....it was hard to keep up with him. Sometimes I would get home and all my mum would say "Your son is well fed and asleep...lakini you have to bath him". He would be so dirty that one could flick off a handful of red soil from his head onto the pillow. But he was happy....I was happy that's all that mattered. Secondly, I came across a Facebook group called "Hello Momo" and my BBW(Big beautiful women) world opened up. Therein existed a community that celebrated and ADORED BBWs. I had found a place where I belonged. Interacting with the members made me realise that my weight was not the hindrance...it was my mindset. It had been a while since I had gotten any attention from a man and suddenly...the floodgates opened and they have never closed. I began to dress better, love on myself and just enjoy the new me. Literally...my face shone brighter.

Another point of healing was a book I came across titled "Why men marry bitches" by Sherry Argov". Don't let the title fool you...there is more to the book than meet's the eye. We had gone out shopping with my sister when I saw it sticking out of her bag. It was a copy she had borrowed from her friend. I opened the book, started reading and I could not put it down. I read through it in the middle of the supermarket until I eventually walked out and stood by some railings reading. I could finally understand what I had been doing wrong all my life when it came to relationships. I could not let go of the book and I asked my sister to let me borrow it for a day. Instead, I ended up ordering a new copy for her friend and keeping the older one as I leafed through it endlessly. The gist of the book is simple; LEARN TO VALUE YOURSELF AND OTHERS WILL VALUE YOU. To date, if I feel I am being a bit silly in a relationship or selling myself short, I always go back to it and leaf through to get my mojo back! If you ever read the book, look for the Tupperware story. It is gold! . Here are some of the nuggets from the book.

“Relationship Principle 1

In romance, there's nothing more attractive to a man than a woman who has dignity and pride in who she is.”

“With a woman he's crazy about, he'll put in all the overtime in the world. He'll be doing things for you, he'll be considerate, he'll want to please you, he'll try to cheer you up if you are down, and he will enjoy every moment because you are the person he values most.”

“Relationship Principle 3

He doesn't marry a woman who is perfect. He marries the woman who is interesting.”

“There's nothing more prized to a man than something he had to wait for, work for, or struggle a little bit to get.”

Sherry shares a lot of stories from men around how and why they treat women the way they do. There is nothing like hearing it from the horse's mouth. Many times as women, we put men and their needs first. We bend over backwards and even keel over trying to please them...trying to make them love us more. Whereas they desire and ADMIRE the opposite. Women who may be humble but are certainly no pushovers. Who know and appreciate their worth. Who are willing to give but also receive in equal measure. Anyone or any situation that pushes you to give more than you are getting back, to put yourself last always and be undervalued...RUN FROM IT OR THEM! Run like the wind and never look back.

My pursuit for self-love continues to date and whenever I look into the mirror today, I see a woman that I love and one who loves me back wholesomely..truly...madly...DEEPLY! I cannot say I have it perfectly right but I am certainly not the woman who undervalued herself. I know my worth and I have no apologies to make for it.

Sincerely,

The middle-aged bride

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