DIARY OF A MIDDLE-AGED BRIDE - THE WHIRLWIND: PART I

To really ask is to open the door to the whirlwind. The answer may annihilate the question and the questioner.

Anne Rice

Dear Diary,

I asked to be loved...wanted to be loved. I was knocked down instead..so hard that it took me the next five years of my life to properly stand again. But when I stood...I stood up stronger, better, more resilient. I was no longer the same woman that had gone into the whirlwind. 

When I first laid my eyes on him, my heart skipped a bit..like it really did and I thought to myself "If God had asked me what my perfect man should look like, this is it..THIS IS HIM". If only looks made the person. Don't get me wrong. He is a nice guy....he became a nice guy for the next woman but not for me. I respect him a lot and we share a wonderful, beautiful creation in the form of a 12 year old boy. A boy as unique and as eclectic as they come...a gem. He has mild-autism and that is what makes him exceptionally legendary! I am conscious of the fact that he may read this one day, that some of his dad's family members may too..and worse still...his dad may read it too. I will keep this respectful thus and that requires no effort on my part actually. I have a peaceful relationship with son's father. We no longer squabble and throw angry words at each other. I must share the truth through as it is part of my healing and release surrounding this issue. Brace yourself...this one is going to be a long read.

On the fateful day, I was seated at my desk as usual that morning when in walked in the HR Assistant with him in tow. It was his 1st day and as was customary for new comers, he was getting his trip around all 4 floors of the organization getting introduce to staff, managers and partners. Something about him stuck with me. We never spoke or connected for a few months after that. Every now and then...the firm would hold social drink-ups on Friday's at one of the hotels. These were always easy and fun to attend though I would never stay too long. During this particular drink-up, my colleague and I vowed to talk to someone new and we picked up on the two new guys in a particular department. He was one of the two. Allow me to use the name Shane for purposes of this story. Shane always had this very serious look and I had a feeling that it would be easier to speak to the other guy. I was right. His colleague was friendly and really nice. Goal accomplished! Once we had ticked this off...my colleague and I then moved on to other people. I am an introvert so any social situations where there are crowds were and are still difficult for me. I prefer one on one interactions and will mostly only speak at length to people I feel safe around. I veered towards my usual suspects...the safe ones and was soon part of an animated discussion. In the middle of our conversion....Shane joined us out of the blue and immediately tensed up.  I looked everywhere else around us except directly at him. It did not take long for me to find an opportunity to escape, I found my way out of the little circle and headed home. Even though we hadn't spoken...I somehow felt that the ice had been broken. 

I am not sure how long it was thereafter when my best friend's sister who worked in another department came up to our office one evening. We chatted and at some point in the conversation...Shane's name came up. She talked about how he had shared with her that he had a 5 year old son whose mum had recently died and that he was looking for someone serious to date. She talked about how felt sorry for him and that he seemed like a nice guy. As our chat progressed, I shared with her that I thought he was really cute but would never speak to him cos he seemed so standoffish. She laughed and asked if she could introduce us. I took a minute to think about it...feeling a bit scared but I say yes anyway and off she went. I didn't think much about the offer again..until the following day when I saw his name pop up on my computer. It was an email saying hi.  I felt excited and responded immediately. These chats went on for the rest of the day until he eventually called my extension. Over the next few days, we graduated to texts and calls after work. And finally, to our 1st date. Prior to this, I had never considered dating anyone in the office and this was my 5th year there. I had kept my distance completely even though the office was a hot spot for relationships. Lots of young people in their 20s and early 30s. A few who had even gotten married. I worked for a subsidiary of the main firm and were four beautiful ladies in our department so it was not from a lack of potential suitors trying. One of the partners had even given us the name "Tittsie sexy ladies" and our office always had a throng of mainly male visitors throughout the day. Ladies and gentlemen...i fell hard. I fell fast.I fell like a big, huge bolder rolling down a hill. I remember travelling a lot during this particular month and missing him so much when I was away. On a trip to Joburg, I remember sitting in my room and almost crying cos I couldn't wait to get back home. The feelings were mutual (or so I would have thought) and overwhelming for me. We had moved from zero to a thousand in the space of a few weeks. It was blissful. Things seemed to be going well until it happened. 

I was away in Mombasa for a week of client meetings with my boss. It was pretty intense with about 22 meetings in the span of 4 days. Having to wear a suit everyday in that heat was killing us...but it had to be done. Shane and I would chat and speak on phone everyday and once again...missing him was overwhelming for me. During one of our calls...I remember him asking how "we" were. I asked him what he meant by "we" and his response was "you and the baby" ". "Which baby" I asked in alarm..and he casually laughed it off. I hadn't missed my period. I had never missed my period in my life. So I didn't think much of his comment but as the week progressed, I began to have really severe cramps. They would come and go periodically...sometimes lightly and other times I would be in so much pain. Two years prior, I had gone through a 5-hour surgery to remove pretty big fibroids and the 1st thought in my mind was that the damn things were back! Our stay at the coast finally came to a close and I was relieved to head back home. I hated sweating profusely all the time. The coast was and has never been an ideal destination for me. I hate the heat and the last time I was there...I would only come out of my room as from 4.00pm in the afternoon. 

We headed back to Nairobi and I was ever so glad to see Shane and life continued as it should. By the end of the coming week....the cramping had stopped and been replaced with a weird feeling. I am not sure how to describe it but all I knew was that something was different. Even the way my brain was functioning was different. I decided to chat to my best friend and her immediate words were.."Chick...you are pregnant"! I felt nervous as if that was the case...then it was too early in the relationship! That evening...my friend passed by after worked armed with a pregnancy kit. We lived in the same neighborhood but this couldn't wait. So off we went to the bathroom to do the big test. Sure enough...it was positive. I wasn't sure what to feel or how to react....all I remember was feeling numb and shocked. We headed home soon thereafter but I never said a word to Shane. It was a weekend and I was glad to have the space to think this new situation through. I thought back to the Mombasa phone call. How had he known? Had he just been joking? How had this turned out to be true? I spent that Saturday in a bit of a stupor until that afternoon when one of my other friends forced me to leave the house for a shopping spree. We were in the clothing section of the supermarket checking out sweaters when I got an overwhelming feeling of fatigue. I just couldn't stand any more and could not explain why. There was no seat in sight and I simply decided to sit on the floor in the middle of the supermarket!  My friend was amused and perhaps even embarrassed but I didn't care. It was as if my entire body was aware that there was a foreign little person inside me...and it was changing before I could even process the news. Little did I know that this was the beginning of 9 months of weird behavour for me! I was intensely aware of the pregnancy now.

Later that evening, I finally mastered the courage to tell Shane. He was shocked and there was a moment of silence over the phone call. "Give me time to think about this" he said. And so we hardly spoke all of Sunday which was weird for me as we had been talking all the time & seeing each other everyday for almost 2 months. Monday seemed so far away but it finally came around. He couldn't avoid me in the office. We worked on different floors and in different departments. He called to say good morning and asked that we meet by the stairs as was our custom. I was all tensed up and scared.  What followed was a very pleasant discussion. We were in this together...he wasn't going anywhere. He then proceeded to lay out a plan which included us getting a bigger house and moving in together. It sound all nice and dandy. For the rest of the day...I was more relaxed and was glad we had put the "big conversation" behind us. But something bothered me. Did it mean we were getting married? What exactly was our relationship going to transform into? I am a sucker for details and I felt that he need to articulate things for me a bit more. So I wrote down a list of questions and over a coffee date that evening...proceed to meticulously go over the list. It included issues at work as we needed to deal with..informing both our bosses...HR etc.  I guess I am weird like that. But I wanted to be sure what I was getting into. Once again, he repeated to me the most comforting words "I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE". 

Life continued well over the next few months. I had started off by telling my immediate family and eventually the rest of my friends. During this time, we had the difficult discussions with HR which included medical cover and it was agreed I would now move to be under his cover but we would need to sign an affidavit of marriage first. My parents were a bit apprehensive. Looking back, I think they could sense something. My younger sister was also pregnant at this time...a few months ahead of me so I can only imagine what was going on in their minds. One of my uncles had even told my dad as I came to learn later on "njohi yaku ni yaitika" meaning that he would not receive any dowry for the two of us. I am not sure why he uttered those words cos as far as I was concerned....I would get married to Shane at some point. How optimistic was I! I will be the first to admit...things had progressed too quickly and we had not had time to get to know each other truly. We were still in the infatuation stage where the other person seems perfect and things are hanky-dory. Adding pregnancy to the situation made it complex and shaky. On top of that, I had all these pregnancy symptoms that I didn't understand. Like the fact that seeing Shane's calls would make me feel nauseated, yet not speaking to him would make me cry!

I was 5 months pregnant when it all came crumbling down. One evening during dinner at my sister's house, Shane had placed his phone on the table. We were chatting casually when I picked it and as I did this...I immediately noticed that he had tensed up. I wasn't snooping. After all, it can't be snooping when the person is present...can it? His reaction bothered me...and this caused me to want to find out if he was hiding something. Until this point, things were fine between us and I held him at a very high standard. That is the person he presented to me or I thought I had come to know. i told him I was looking for his nephew's number and even proceeded to jot it down but as I did so...I decided to check his inbox. Sure enough...I found what I was looking for. A message that changed everything for us. 

Sincerely, 

The middle-aged-bride

End of Part 1

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Just catching up with the Series now? See previous posts below.

The Beginning
Ms. Froggie
Crazy, Stupid, Love! 
The Wilderness Years