DIARY OF A MIDDLE-AGED BRIDE: THE WHIRLWIND PART 2

Dear diary,

A whirlwind takes you places. Places you have never been. Places you would rather not go to...nor would ever want to be. Places you have not planned to be. You reach you destination torn up into many pieces. Torn apart by the incredulous journey that you have just completed yet never willingly signed up for...looking like you have just checked in from the dusty plains of Rongai or Kitengela. The dust overwhelms you and you have no sense of how you got carried away by the whirlwind...why you were unable to get out and away from it. Welcome to part 2 of the Whirlwind. In case you missed out on part 1 of the story, please catch up here. 

Reading the message was shocking. It woke me up to seeing exactly who I was dealing with.  It was one of those that left nothing to the imagination on the topic of discussion. It was not a discussion about whether to drink a cup of tea or not. It was confirmation that the cup of tea had been drunk and would be drunk again. I did my best to compose myself and pretend I had not picked up on anything. My mum was present as this was the first time she was meeting Shane and I would not have wanted her to think anything was wrong. I returned the phone to him and went on with the rest of the evening as if nothing had happened. It was soon time to go home (Shane's house) but I was unsure on whether to do so or not. I still had my own place at this point thought I was hardly living there. Once we got home, I continued trying to hide my thoughts and was mostly quiet. "Why was he cheating?".. I wondered. This was the first time for me to deal with such a situation more so because I had placed Shane on a pedestal especially when it came to this particular topic. Early on in our relationship, we had gone through an incident where I had been the protagonist. I had received a call whilst Shane and I were together and had unintentionally proceeded to flirt with the caller. To be honest, I was still trying to decide between the 2 guys and had not closed certain doors as yet. That evening, Shane had given me a proper dressing down and asked that if I was not ready for a serious relationship, then I should not waste his time. He further emphasized that he was not interested in anyone who was going to cheat on him and was not ready to die from AIDS. He was all nonsensical about it. I had henceforth closed all of those "loose" doors so to speak and focused on Shane and I. That conversation is how I had unwittingly placed Shane on a pedestal. I thought I was dealing with an angel...yet here I was faced with the notion that he did not deserve that pedestal after all. That there shouldn't have been one in the first place.

We got ready for bed that evening but I could not get myself to sleep next to him. So I picked up a duvet and proceeded to the sofa. Shane couldn't understand what was wrong and more so why I would want to sleep on the uncomfortable couch whilst 5 months pregnant. Eventually, he had let me be and proceeded to bed. I lay there for sometime....awake and trying to put my thoughts together. I didn't know how to confront him or bring up the issue. And I began to wish I had jotted down the girl's number. My unease grew by the minute and I realised that I would not be able to spend the night in that house. I picked up the phone and called for a cab. Mind you...it was way past midnight. Shane must have heard me calling for the cab cos before I could finish the call, he was in the living room. He grabbed the phone from me and asked the cab driver not to come. He then proceeded to convince me to tell him what was wrong and why I wanted to leave in the middle of the night. Eventually, I admitted to him what I had seen. I will never forget his reaction as he was immediately remorseful and said that all he had been doing was flirting...it was nothing more. He was on his knees at this point and I distinctly remember seeing his eyes water...just a little bit. I wish I could believe him! The problem was...the text had been very clear that it was more than flirting but he continued to deny it was more than that. We talked for sometime...and eventually went to sleep. At the back of mind though...I was unconvinced and my anxiety only grew. I had to find a way to get to the bottom of the issue.

The week that followed was the calm before the storm. Unfortunately, Shane had lost his step-brother and funeral arrangements were going on in earnest. At this point in time...I had only met a few of his family members. Shane had insisted that we should move slowly in this area due to the fact that we came from different tribes ...perceived rival tribes to be specific and he did not want his dad or his family to take the issue badly. Being the trusting girl that I was...I believed him. Any attempts to go for the funeral meetings were always thwarted with this excuse. The funeral would be in his home county but since his brother had close ties in Nairobi, it was agreed that a church service be held here as well.  I  insisted on showing up for the service and when I did, I understood his fear. Even the few family members I had met were not aware that I was expectant...yet here I was with my belly showing. I ignored the stares and glares. As soon as the service was over...Shane was no where to be seen or rather, he avoided being seen near me. It was as if he did not want any association with me. I paid my respects to the family and left. When Shane came home that evening, he informed me that he had decided I would not travel for the funeral as the road was very bumpy and rough which would not be good for the baby. I agreed reluctantly but still had this doubting feeling at the back of my mind. It was all an excuse to avoid me being seen and known. Friday of that week came along. Shane was travelling with his brother who was coming in from SA that early morning and his sister. The previous evening, I had helped him pack a bag in readiness for the trip and it is then that it had occurred to me that I would have the perfect opportunity to look at his phone again that morning when he woke up to get ready. I was still convinced that there was more that met the eye. The flight from SA would land around 5am or so. So he had to be up around 4.00am to get ready and be at the airport on time.  The period of time he would be in the bathroom taking a shower was my window of opportunity. When he woke up that morning, I was alert but did not show signs of being awake. I waited until I could hear the water running and grabbed his phone. There were no passwords back then so access was easy. The lady's name I had seen previously started with an "F" but upon searching his phone book, there was no one listed under that name. I figured he must have changed it. I then decided to check his inbox again and found a message from a SA number. This was not surprising as he had lived in there previously for a couple of years. The content of the message was surprising though as it sounded like a break up message. I took down this number, then checked his outbox where a second message raised my suspicions. It was a message saying that he had been busy all day in meetings and would call back tomorrow. It was addressed to "Sweat heart". I took this number down as well thinking it must be "F" as the way the name was saved was a bit funny. I then proceeded to "go back to sleep" as if nothing had happened. My heart was shattered as it was clear that there was dishonestly in the relationship and all along I had been the fool. I had never set out to uncover anything in the first instance when I had first checked his phone but the second instance was necessary for me to get to the truth...the whole truth. I would not encourage anyone to do this at all and I have never gone through a man's phone ever gain. But had I never done this...I am not sure how things would have turned out.

What followed that day, the next few days and months was a lot of unnecessary drama, heartache and tears. I had set the motion to the uncovering of a list of of girlfriends....4 others to be specific. I was the newest kid on the block. The pregnant kid on the block. The naive kid on the block. The stupid kid on the block. It was as messy as you can imagine. One girlfriend was on her way to the funeral..which is why I was unwanted there. She also claimed to be pregnant as well. A second lived in the SA and was planning a wedding. A third in Mombasa and a fourth in the US. All these were relationships that had been going on for a minimum of 3 years...some even as long as 7 years..each of us believing that we would end up married to Shane. My only problem was the pregnancy. I would have easily walked away from all the drama without a thought backwards but here I was expecting a baby in a few months. I felt trapped. I may not be able to share exactly how the drama unfolded..it would be too much and would take me another 4 posts to outline it all. There is no need to delve into the negativity. I will share one funny incident though which happened the last time I set foot in his house. I was angry, hurt and literally "seeing red". I decided to deface the walls of his house with lipstick and eye pencil. Blame this idea on the pregnancy! I called him all sort of names with ugly markings on the wall. It felt good to do so...to unleash the pain. Unfortunately, once my anger had subsided...I realised how bad it would look. It wasn't me...this wasn't my style. I was a cool, collected person...no matter what. So my pregnant self went back and cleaned up the whole mess with the help of a friend. Trust me...the clean up took more energy than the defacing had!

In the coming days as everything unfolded, Shane was never apologetic. Instead, I became the girl who was trying to trap him into getting married...a one night stand that had happened when he was drunk. All manner of lies were told to explain my existence and the pregnancy. At one point...I was even labelled his Secretary even though we never worked in the same department and were at the same level/grade earning a similar salary. I received calls left, right and centre from the lady in SA. I suppose it was her way of coping with the situation. Eventually, I realised that she was only using the calls to draw out as much information from me...which she would then use against me. It was a cycle of negativity that seemed unending. I still wonder how I managed to pull through. I would go to the office and pretend all was alright. We even signed a marriage affidavit and appeared as if we were still together. It pained me to bits that I had allowed myself to get into this situation and during the next few months...my life was robbed of any joy despite the fact that I was expecting a bundle of joy. At some point, it occurred to me that I was going to be raising my baby alone and I began to make plans to find a bigger house...this time alone.  I comforted myself with the fact that I thought I was carrying a girl (as the scan had shown) and it would be easy to detach. Towards the end of my pregnancy, we attempted to work things out..but this attempt completely failed when I learnt that he was "working it out" with 2 of the other ladies as well.

When Levi was born...I was surprised to hear the words "you got a baby boy" from my mother after the C-section. I was happy he was here...but I wondered what had happened to the little girl I had named Daisy! A son...a son meant something different. He was "theirs" not mine and I initially lived in unreasonable fear that he would be taken away from me. Shane was there for the first few months...involved and being a great dad but in the years to come, he began to detach himself slowly by slowly. Believe it or not...It took me another 3 years or so to fully untangle myself from the web of deceit, lies and pain. I felt rejected, foolish and unwanted. In the 3 years, I got to interact with his family more and got to meet wonderful friends for life. People I still treasure deeply to date. They became my support system at a time when I was seeking acceptance for my son...if nothing else. In particular, I fondly remember his late Sister who wholeheartedly and lovingly accepted my son and cherished him. I would visit her many times and we formed a bond of sorts. She was my encourager...a source of hope and vicariously, I felt that her acceptance made up for the rejection I felt from Shane. She was a happy woman with the most infectious laugh I have ever heard. It is probably about 10 years since she passed away but whenever I remember her, I am thankful for her and I smile when I remember her laugh. I wish Levi had gotten to know her. Levi's grandfather was another unexpected gift to me. Through his words...I found healing and acceptance for my son too. And before he passed on, he blessed Levi. That was enough and it helped me gain peace.

What did this experience teach me? I learnt not to rush into things...to take time to know someone. I learnt that family background matters and it does play a huge role in a relationship no matter what we think. I learnt to value myself and not to seek validation from a man. I mean... I REALLY LEARNT TO LOVE MYSELF!  It took me sometime to regain my self esteem but I eventually did. I had to fight my way to loving myself again. Eventually, I had to forgive him too. Forgive the foolish young man that he was and celebrate the mature man he eventually transformed to.

On top of this experience, came the judgement, the stares, the gossip from family and friends. I now carried that hated label "single mother". It is annoying how the man gets to walk away scott free...but the woman remains tainted with the assumption that SHE must have been the one who did something wrong to be rejected...to be left all alone with the child. It is never the man's fault.  I had disappointed my parents and for many years....I carried this guilt deep inside me. Until one day I realised that neither one of them had ever condemned me nor said a negative word about the situation even though others had less than kind words to share with them. They had simply accepted and loved my son. He was not the son of a single mother. He was simply their grandson.

Today...I celebrate my son....more and more each day. Whilst he hardly has a relationship with his dad....it has not stopped him from flourishing into a wonderfully unique young man living with mild autism. I have learnt the hard way to appreciate that conception and carrying a baby to term is not automatic and should not be taken for granted. A CHILD IS THE BEST GIFT ANY MOTHER CAN HAVE, the circumstances around their conception notwithstanding.  If I had waited even 5 years later...I would not be a mother today. My son came at the time that was ordained for him to manifest in my life. It may have been amongst turmoil and less than frilly circumstances...but it was ordained nevertheless. When I look back, I am grateful for the Whirlwind. It brought me a life long blessing in it's wake.

Sincerely,

The middle-aged bride 

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Just catching up on the Series? See previous posts below!

The Beginning
Ms. Froggie
Crazy, Stupid, Love! 
The Wilderness Years
The Whirlwind Part I