DIARY OF A MIDDLE-AGED BRIDE: ADJUSTMENT MIASMA




Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.

Maya Angelou

Dear Diary,

I never had an idea of what I was missing until I was in a relationship where I was loved the way I had always desired. I could be fully myself without a care in the world. And I full reveled in this new season. I drank and soaked it all in, fully basking in its warm sunlight.

I had always read novels or watched those romantic comedies that just seemed to end perfectly. And like any other lady, I had always wanted to have that kind of love...you know like the Notebook kind that just leaves your heart yearning and pining for such a love. One of my favourite novels is Jane Eyre and towards the end, her love Edward Rochester utter these words "I shall never tire of your custom". To me, these were the most romantic words ever and I had finally met the person whose custom I would never tire of. I say this in the most sincere way (not in ignorance) and I pray this continues to be the case to infinity.

He wasn't perfect...don't get me wrong. We both came with our own set of challenges and baggage. But his imperfections were just perfect for me. He is a guy who loves me deeply....I can always see it in his eyes. I have never doubted that even for one single minute. The biggest test of our relationship in these early days was my son's reaction to him. One day when I was ready, we both picked him up from school and went off for a late lunch. In the middle of the lunch, I decided to walk out and do some shopping to give them a chance to bond and get to know each other albeit briefly. On my return, he walked away to give us a moment together with my son. I asked him what he thought of my new friend and his response was just perfect "I think he is a kind man". I knew then that were home and dry. Had my son not liked him, I would have definitely had to pause things and reconsider. Just for clarity, this meeting happened before the introduction to the parents. We settled into a consistent rhythm of doing things and being together soon enough. At some point, it really did feel that this was how it was always supposed to be. We were in flow.

One of the challenges that set in with being in a steady relationship again, was getting used to being accountable to another person. I had been literally been single for the longer part of a ten year period. I had not let anyone close enough nor committed to anything so I was used to calling the shots in my own life...doing what I wanted to do...being where I wanted to be. This had to slowly change and I must say, it is one of those things that I miss about being single. However, I had to accept that the season of my life for that lifestyle was over. It was a big adjustment. To date, I still wish I could have just a few days of the week when things were like that again. When I could spend the night at a friend place or my mother's house without having to consult anyone.

Another area where I struggled was being the real authentic me. Allowing him to see me in all my non-glorious moments is also something I had not done in a long while. I was used to showing only those sides of me that I wanted to show and hiding everything else. Suddenly, I had to be authentic and real. I had to show my flaws too and have him grow to understand me. For example, it was soon rather obvious that I was not the best time keeper in the world. I am slowly changing but frankly, if left to my own devices...I would be terrible! That's a family flaw. Another one of my flaws was being introverted. My son is as well and so we had gotten used to doing things in a particular way which did not involve much socialization with other people. We were happy to be home by ourselves doing what each one of us loves. Then here came someone who was an outdoor person. For the first time ever, my behind graced the beautiful benches sprawled all over the garden area where I lived. I had always admired them from a far but never attempted to sit out there. One particular bench became our hangout point...and a really good one at that. We had long conversations out there....sometimes really serious ones...other times we would literally just keep each other company...not talking about much but still sharing a wonderful time together.

I also discovered the use and purpose of earphones. Previously, when I bought a phone, I would hardly be bothered with the earphones as I detested the little things. Whilst driving, I would always put my phone on speaker so I was good..I didn't need the pesky little things. Overnight, I had to find them due to one of my nighttime habits. I looooove watching movies and I had relegated the TV to my son who was always watching Nickelodeon. So I had found my own thing to do which was catching with Hallmark movies on YouTube (the romantic in me) or watching something on Netflix. My favourite genre was Romantic comedies or moving stories. I am not much of an action or horror movie fan. I love "feel good" stories since I  really get invested in the story and I absorb emotions so easily so I avoid anything that is negative or weird. So overtime, sleeping to the sound of a good movie playing in the background became my thing. Most times, It would take me a couple of days to finish a movie cos I always fell asleep before I could finish. The only problem now became that I had company at night and I could no longer blast away my movies without keeping certain persons awake. So in came the earphones which quickly became my "best pals". They still are.

Another habit that I had to quickly learn to stop was driving around at night. I was fond of going to our site at work in Isinya and returning in the wee hours of the night. Sometimes, it was necessary due to the work load or delays on that end, most days the late night drives would have been avoided but I enjoyed them nevertheless. In any case, there was no traffic at that hour. However, I was used to doing as I pleased...right? This was no longer the case! I was also fond of vising my parents and leaving late too. Eish..the things that came with love. I was vehemently instructed to stop these weird night time driving habits. I could understand why he would worry...and many times, he offered to do the Isinya drives with me so that he would worry less. The company was certainly welcome and a great time to bond some more.

These are just some adjustments that I had to make to fit into the relationship. Interestingly, I don't know what adjustments he had to make on this end...that should make for an interesting conversation this week. I can only speculate on some of them.  Like having to eat three meals a day...lol as opposed to one or two. I was determined (I still am) to shift 10 kilos from me to him. I must say...I am not having much success on this one! A work in progress. Apparently, he also had to learn to tolerate some occasional snoring (I am still not buying that story. I think I only snore in his dreams) and being kicked at night (this one I kinda admit to especially after he broke his leg and I kicked it a couple of times...ouchie!). He also had to learn to enjoy Hawaii Five-O and Bones as those are the only series' I got to watch on Fox whenever Nickelodeon was not torturing us to death. In return, I had to tolerate watching CNN and a football game or two. I am doing a bit better these days on matters football but early on, I remember asking the difference from Champions League and UEFA only to learn they were one and the same thing! Am a bit less blonde now but not all the way! I still have my moments.

Like in any other relationship, we had to make constant adjustments to understand and get to know each other better. But nothing...NOTHING prepared me for the changes that would come with marriage. I thought I was ready. I had spent years studying at the feet of other people's marriages but nothing could have prepared me for the real deal. I thought I was ready but nothing was further from the truth. I was far from ready for what lay ahead.

Sincerely,


The middle-aged bride 

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