DIARY OF A MIDDLE-AGED BRIDE - A tête-à-tête with God


Dear Diary,

A tête-à-tête with God was nigh. I needed to hear directly from him and get my answers on my dating life. Things were all nice and dandy...I wasn't complaining as such. Self love and discovery was a fun and beautiful process. I had began to have a life again and go out on dates. It is not until I was out there..that I realised how I had isolated myself in the early years after having my son. It was work, school, home, mummy duties, repeat. I barely had any social life with the exception of my chama which was wonderful but lets face it...none of my chama girls were going to marry me no matter how long I hang out with them!

Some of the dates were good..some were weird, others were just bad. I was happy either way as it was a learning process rearticulating to myself what kind of a man I wanted in my life. And what kind of a man I DIDN'T want too! Then came a phase where only married men were interested in me. It was very frustrating! The Law of Attraction came to mind at some point. We attract who we are...so why was I attracting unavailable men? Was I still stuck in the world of "I am not enough or I am not worthy" thus only attracting men who would not only be unavailable but could only literally treat me as 2nd best? It took a lot of reflection and self reaffirmation that I was enough and that I deserved better even if I had a child already. Being a single mum did not mean I was "less than" in any way, even when some people wanted to make it seem that way. This was yet another stage of self growth and  I really struggled through this phase.  At some point...it felt as if there was no hope for me. I was tired of people asking me "Why are you still single?". I was tired of feeling like I was the odd one out in my Chama as all of them were married or had been married. I hated being excluded from marriage conversations because "Ah! Vickie...you don't know what it's like to be married" so my opinions or thoughts were immediately invalidated. Then there were those who came at me with "You can't find a single guy at your age and seeing that you have a child so just agree to be a 2nd wife" story. It was frustrating! I was finally at a point where I desired marriage but it seems so elusive. I was truly tired. So tired that I penned part of the below post in 2014 titled "This is why I am single" which featured this candid conversation with God.

Day I

Me: Why is beautiful curvaceous delicious girl single?
God: Uhh......give me a minute I will be right back on that one.
Me: *Waits endlessly and finally walks away.

Day 2

Me: Say God....
God: Yes beautiful curvaceous delicious girl?
Me: Am still waiting
God: For...?
Me: Your answer? You know...for the question some guy keeps asking.
God: (Playing all naive)..which question again dear?
Me: God...come on....I was here yesterday. I know you remember. Stop pretending
God: Oh yes....now its coming to me. Ah....I think I haven't made yours as yet
Me: Mine? My what?>
God: Yours....you know. Yours
Me: So when are you making him? Will he be all grown? Ready to be a man and all? Will he? WILL HE?
God: See me after a week and I will have an answer

One week later.....

Me: Hey. God. Am back. So...have you made him yet?
God: Him who?
Me: HIM...you know....mine
God: Oh yours. Yes I have.
Me: And?
God: He's broken. He fell off my hands and he is now in little small pieces. I have to put him back together again. With glue. Piece by piece. It will take some time. LOOOOADS of time.
Me: So...when do I come back? For mine?
God: Ah...(looking very vague)...give me some time dear beautiful curvaceous girl. Give me time
Me: But...can't you just wave a magic wand or something and make it be. You are God after all.
God: It doesn't work that way (sounding irritated)
Me: How does it work?
God: Girl (he forgets to use the words beautiful & curvaceous). Girl.....give me time
Me: But everyone keeps asking me this question. What do I say?
God: Just give me time.......

And time I gave him! Somehow writing this concersation gave me peace of mind. Mind you...at this point, I was not dating my husband. He was no where near my radar and neither was I on his!  As I mentioned earlier, we had known each other from 2004 but on a professional basis and I never imagined the relationship would transcend to where we are today.

Consider this Serendipity or some weird insight of sorts. Around the time I wrote the post, he was indeed going through a very difficult transition from his 1st marriage. Indeed, one would rightly say that his life had broken into little pieces and needed to be put together again. Anyone will you tell for sure that a marriage breaking up is no walk in the park. No matter how much the two parties perhaps dislike each other at the point of separation, the fact that these two people (and families) had build a life together is nothing to be taken lightly. Even when perhaps the life built may not have turned out as expected. Add the equation of children and things get 10x more complicated.

For the next 4 years, I went on with my life, hoping and praying for a breakthrough but none seemed to be in the offing. I then got to a point where...it no longer mattered. I was at peace with whether marriage came my way or not. That was my point of breakthrough and a big lesson indeed. Our desires, dreams, wants can only return to us when let them free. Reminds me of the mechanism of a frisbee.  When we want or desire things too hard, they only go further and further away. For us to fully own and experience the joy in them, we have to let them go! I truly and deeply learnt there is power and freedom in letting go!


Sincerely,

 The middle-aged bride 
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