Yearning for the Light



I can feel it. I don’t have to close my eyes or reach deep inside me to feel it. It’s right here on the surface, close by. Close enough for me to touch, yet I cannot. On the days that I do not feel it, it is simply because I get too caught up in the present. I see the pain, I see the failure, I see the lack, I see that which I cannot provide. I see that which I cannot offer.  I see too the looks from people around me. Some are looks of pity, some are empathy, some are sympathy, some apathy pretending to be empathy. In some of the looks, self pride stares back at me and I see the mockery deep in their eyes. I suppose I cannot blame them. Perhaps life has been kinder to them and they have made better decisions than I. But then, perhaps they really are just filled with the pride of life.   

It will not last this darkness. I know this. What I wonder however is whether I will survive this. I know I must but will I? Do I have what it takes to ? Only I can answer these questions. Only I can decide. Only I will decide. I see the light. I feel it. I know it. It is familiar. It belongs to me and no other. I want it to come to me. Yet it shall not, for I must go to it. I must leave my seat of comfort. I must get up at the break of dawn. I must stay up late. I must pour myself out completely. I must reach down deep into reservoirs I did not know existed. And when I think the reservoirs are empty, I must reach down even deeper and discover even more of them. The reservoirs. And I must empty them completely. I must do it until I feel spent. Until I feel there is nothing more to give. Only then, will it happen. 

I have always thought I understood the meaning of a promise. I seldom have experienced the joy that comes with someone keeping a promise, fully living up to it. I have no recollection of such a thing. I do know though, how it feels when a promise is broken. It is as familiar as one of my family members. I recognize it even when my eyes are closed. This time, I must learn to know the opposite. A fulfilled promise. A promise fulfilled beyond my wildest imagination. A promise fulfilled in ways that I did not expect. A promise fulfilled beyond that which was promised. Only God can do it.. He owns the promise. He is the source of the light that I so desire to reach out to. In the dark of nights, I yearn for the light. It is my promise and He will fulfill it.

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