SUNNY DAYS: JACOBI

 

JACOBI

I could hear the shrill sound from a far...but for some reason, I couldn't quite figure out what it was. It was interrupting my dream....the dream where I was on a beach, sunbathing under a coconut tree whilst sipping on a pina colada with a little orange umbrella. That's the life...isn't it? I was just about to take a long sip out of my cool drink when the sound got even louder and I paused midair...still holding my cocktail glass.. to listen. It sounded familiar...and urgent....like I needed to respond to it immediately. I listened a bit more keenly, with my hand still suspended in the air, midway to my mouth. FINALLY...It dawned on me that it was simply the sound of a baby crying...My baby! 

Wait a minute.....I have a baby....and it's crying. Abandoning my little holiday at the beach, I wake up to reality, a bit startled at the sound of this little human crying. It is our first night home together. I don't know what time it is,...only that it is an ungodly hour. 

"What does he want"? I wondered. 

Didn't we just eat supper? Ok....he drunk his whilst I ate...but still....? 

I pick up my phone and squint at it....willing my eyes to focus on the tiny letters at the top right corner. Yup...ungodly hour it is! It is 2.15 am. 

He is still crying. There are no nurses to attend him...no nursery to ship him off to. Just me and him on my rickety old bed, in our one-roomed little cosy house. By cosy...I mean that everything is within reach and it almost feels like it is full to the bream. I pick up the bundle swathed in a white shawl I had bought at the 2nd hand market....the only shawl I have. We have. Because I had to choose between paying the hospital bill and buying clothes for the baby. The hospital bill won. 

He is somewhere in there. In between all the folds..a tiny little face peers back at me. I can't believe that little cute mouth is doing all the yelling. 

"Shush little one....I am here now"

He quietens down...and resorts to whimpering...searching for something with his mouth. "Yes...mummy is going to feed you in a minute" I whisper, as I remove my breast to feed him. This is a whole new ball game for me. It is supposed to feel natural but am not there yet. Instead, it feels weird and invasive.  Suddenly, I have to share a part of my body with this little human. A part that has always been privately mine...that was just for my eyes (mostly)...this part now belongs to him too?  Why can't I just say no and keep it all to myself? It's mine after all. 

But something in me is drawn to help this little human...to do better for him...to be better. After all, he didn't ask to be here. A part of me wants my old life back. You know..the less complicated one. The one where I am free to do as I please. But then...doing as I please has gotten me into this situation. So perhaps, that life was not so grand after all. 

The sensation of having him lurch to my breast is weird. "That's gonna take some getting used to"...I think to myself. Meanwhile, part of my mind is still reeling in shock. You see....We had gotten home earlier in the day, thankful to be away from the hospital smells and noises. Just glad to be home and be surrounded by familiar noises, smells and nosy neighbors. There was no welcoming committee.....no one to help make a meal or clean up. Just the curious looks from the neighbours. 

The house needed some cleaning. Though I had only been away for a few days, this little space has a way of accumulating dust. A lot to do with being too near to the road, I suppose.  Am glad that I will be moving out in a few weeks cos the dust certainly isn't conducive for a small baby. It's interesting how the mediocre and sometimes outright low standards are okay to deal with before but with the baby being here...I cannot continue to tolerate the same old things. 

Back to my am reeling with shock. The evening had passed by without much drama. He mostly stayed asleep whilst I caught up with my favourite series and watched a movie as well. For a minute there, life almost seemed normal...you know...the normal that I am used to. The baby had fed and fallen asleep again after a diaper change (that's another new thing that I am getting used to. You would be surprised by the amount of poop a newborn can generate! One would be forgiven for thinking they had just swallowed a whole pumpkin..yeah..pumpkin cos that's how their poop looks like after it has stopped being black and dark green as if they had been eating some dark, rotting kind of spinach for all the 9 months they have been in the tummy. That's a story for another day. I can never look at pumpkins the same way again!). Wait...where was I? Yes. Normal. I thought things were back to normal. I must have fallen asleep and in that moment....the memory of being a mother was completely forgotten and I slept like I would any other day (Can we thank God that I didn't crush the baby in my carefree sleeping?). Carefree, undisturbed, and free. Like the single girl that I have always been. Sigh.  have to get used to the new normal. It is from this carefree sleeping and sipping pina colada at the beach kind of dreaming that I have been awakened from. 

The reality that life is no longer the same is just beginning to sink in. And as I cradle this little one in my arms, I allow myself to briefly remember how I got to this point. The pain is almost palpable but let's not there just yet. The pain is still too fresh. I truly wonder to myself...will joy ever return to my life? I look down at him and hope that in this new life we have to navigate, that he can help me shed away the pain for something new. I guess I have no choice but to keep hoping for...(yes, you know it)...Sunny days

- Mama Jacobi

PS: Yes...I finally named him. Jacobi. Apparently, it's Hebrew for "he who supplants". I have no idea what supplants mean. I hope it's something good cos if not...boy will I have blundered!  Please look it up for me. Please 


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Catch up with previous episode of "Sunny Days" below. 

The Entry 

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