SUNNY DAYS: HIM...PIERRE

 


It's been two weeks since Jacobi's birth and I am now more settled. I have finally come to accept that I am now a mother although I am still struggling with the new things that come with it. For starters, there are the physical changes plus the aches and pains of childbirth. Apparently, these aches don't just disappear after a few days. Some of them have lingered along but are thankfully getting better by the day. There is also the matter of how my body has changed from that of a supple, young woman...to that of a....hmm...well...that of a mum! 

My tummy still looks like it's holding another Jacobi in there and my bossom is "full" for lack of a better word. So full that I feel like I might keel over if I bend forward too much. Full and heavy with milk. THEN...THEN there's that feeling when milk is checking in which is just the most weird thing! For the mum's out there...I know you KNOW what I am talking about. It's like a tap is opened somewhere and the milk comes gushing in through the milk ducts like a raging river. Then there is the squarting of the milk like a burst pipe...Squeeesh! This happens during those moments when Jacobi isn't quite able to grip the nipple quickly enough... he is treated to a full shower of milk. It makes him look so funny. Little, squinty face covered in breast milk. My mind is still getting used to the idea of breastfeeding and am thankful that I have mostly been alone so I have not had to play "hide & feed" with anyone. I don't know some women manage to do it in full display of anyone and feel nothing. That's a special skill which I don't have as yet! 

Then there's the "sleep, feed & poop" routine! I feel like I should turn this into a rap song or poem of sorts 

Sleep is rare! 

Feeding is always! 

Poop is everywhere! 

Crying is loud! 

The Mind is lost! 

That all we ever do. Punctuated by moments of sanity in between. Moments when I forget all my troubles, Jacobi's crying and pooping (Who knew exactly how much poop a newborn releases! These guys are little poop monsters.) Judging from the number of diapers we are running through..it's sure is loads. You have no idea how am waiting for those diaper-bearing visitors to arrive). During these moments of sanity, I stare deeply into Jacobi's eyes. And he into mine. I can't quite tell what he is thinking. Or even whether he knows what thinking is. But I can tell you for sure, there is something deeply special about staring into each others eyes. It gives me the sense of peace and joy that I deeply long for. 

Speaking of peace and joy, one of those moments was recently very rudely interrupted by a phone call. I had just put Jacobi to bed and kicked back with a cup of hot tea and a scone. I needed to regain my energy and make some more milk. That's what the tea is for. Just then, my phone rang. And Even before I could pick it up and see the caller ID, I could sense there was something disturbing about the call. And I was right. It was "Him". Jacobi's father. They call him Pierre. It was one of the things that had attracted me to him. His name made him sound so sophisticated and suave. And that he certainly was and a bag of hot, spicy chips to top it up!  

I try to ignore the call but eventually, my fingers seem to have a mind of themselves (oK...It is me who answered but let's blame the fingers for now). 

"Hellow" I said casually. As if we had just seen each other the previous day and all was well instead of what the truth really was. 

"Hi Zoe..are you well? 

(Pierre and Zoe sounds good right? Like a couple goals made in heaven...only in reality, it was quite the opposite)

"Yes. WE (I really emphasize on the We....just in case he has forgotten. We are "We" now. Not just I. And that he was responsible for the change from I to We...lest he forgets) ....We are well Pierre" 

I want to cry and shout at him. I want to pull out his perfect dreadlocks. I want to gorge out his beautiful eyes and scrape away his perfect smile. I want to destroy his toned body and cool walking style. I want to ugly him. Is that even a phrase? I want to erase him from existence. From my life....my thoughts. I want to erase him from Jacobi's face. I want to annihilate the hell out of him! Wow...what a word! Annihilate. I never used it before but it feels just right. ANNIHILATE! 

I wish I could say these words to him. Especially annihilate. Instead, there is silence between us. Awkward, pregnant silence. (Oh my word...don't remind me of the word again! I just hate it)

I find myself breaking the silence. And I hate myself for it. 

"So? Why are you calling?"

"Well..I just wanted to know if you are ok" 

I feel incensed, furious and enraged (Am doing well with these big words today). This is not just kawaida anger. 

"If I am ok? I? Just me? You can't even feel ashamed? We....WE!" Am shouting by now. He does not have the decency to even acknowledge Jacobi. Wait...he doesn't even know there is a Jacobi. He has no idea whether it was a boy or girl. And certainly would never expect me to name my baby Jacobi. Maybe Paul or David...you know...one of those regular names. But not Jacobi. Well..he could at least ask me how Paul is doing. But no.....no mention of the baby. The biggest thing between us is simply not acknowledged. I won't allow it. This time, I won't blame my fingers. I disconnect the call. The problem with mobile phones is that they just can't be banged. I wish I could bang the phone on Pierre so badly! 

I take a deep breath and switch off the phone. I dont want him trying to call again. Jacobi is still soundly asleep oblivious to the little exchange that has just occurred, so I have a few moments of quiet. I need to calm down. I feel like I could break a few plates here and there. The problem is that I only have the few, 3 plates  to be exact.  So I can't break all of those. I can't shout it off either, otherwise I will wake the little one up....and who wants that? I have to contend with breathing and out deeply. 

Wait. Have I told you exactly how I met Pierre, how I came to be carrying his baby and why we abandoned us when we needed him the most? No? Well.....Give me a moment to calm down and I will share the story. 

Back then, I used to think that the day I met him was one of the sunniest, brightest, most perfect days of my life. Only that it wasn't...given how things have turned out. It was nothing close to being a sunny day at all!  

- Mama Jacobi 


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Catch up with previous episodes of "Sunny Days" below. 

The Entry 

Jacobi 






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